Of Shoe Fights and Taco Eating
by TwilightRPWritingContest
Summary: Entry 43: By DeathNoteLuvr16. "What happens when Bella and Edward carelessly let their daughter go to a shoe store with Jacob? Shoe fights and taco eating contests, that's what! Sort of crackfic. One shot."


**Of Shoe Fights and Taco Eating**

**My Entry for TwilightRPWritingContest**

**Description: What happens when Bella and Edward so carelessly let their daughter go to a shoe store with Jacob? Shoe fights and taco eating contests, that's what! Sort of crack-fic. One shot. **

"I'm so glad your parents let you come shopping with me, Nessie," Jacob said, walking side-by-side with Renesmee down the street. "I'm also surprised."

Renesmee nodded, humming a small tune in sync with the birds. "I know. And they know it's just you and me...together. I wonder what they're up to?"

"They probably just want time alone to... well, you know," Jacob laughed. Renesmee let out a little giggle and nodded giddily.

"Too bad Sam took away my car... we wouldn't have to walk this far!"

"Yeah, why did he do that?" Renesmee wondered, setting curious eyes on Jacob.

"I kind of got into an argument with him about how chihuaha's were better than pomeranians, and he disagreed, so I threw my chew toy at him and it broke his vase containing his grandmother's ashes." Jacob blushed, embarrassed. But he was surprised when Renesmee let out a cute snort.

"Really? Wow, you have a strange relationship, you two."

"I guess."

-At the Shoe Store-

Jacob and Renesmee walked through the spinny door- Renesmee having to pull Jacob out of the door when he couldn't stop spinning like crazy and sobbing when he couldn't get out- and sauntered into the store. Renesmee looked around, eyes wide with amazement as she observed all the beautiful shoes displayed on the wooden shelves. From high heels to ballet flats, from fluffy winter boots to shiny leather heeled boots. This store had it all.

Renesmee darted away from Jacob in a flash, fast-walking down the aisles and trying on shoes. Jacob whirled around, eyes darting everywhere in search of the girl. _Oh no, if I've lost her, Edward will have my head... _

"Nessie?" Jacob called, running down every aisle frantically. "Renesmee?"

Then he found her sitting on a stool, tugging on large leather boots that were as high as her knee. He breathed a sigh of relief and walked towards her. Her face was red and frustrated, and she was groaning horrifically as she tried to zip up the boots.

"Need help?" Jacob asked, grinning. She nodded, letting her foot drop the floor. He stooped down and helped her push on the boot. But it wouldn't budge.

Jacob pushed and pushed before finally standing up and resting her foot on his leg. Then he began to push with his thigh. Renesmee looked at him like he was crazy, before pushing on him herself.

Suddenly, a kid sucking on a lollipop skipped past the aisle. He glanced sideways just in time to see Jacob hip-thrusting the shoe onto Renesmee's aching foot. The kid, totally taking it into the wrong context, dropped his lollipop in shock. It shattered as it hit the marble floor. Jacob and Renesmee heard the shatter and whipped their heads around. The kid was frozen, jaw wide open and eyes as wide as bowling balls. Jacob stopped, realizing the kid had seen everything, and started waving his hands and saying, "No, it's not what it looks like!" He took a couple steps towards the traumatized kid cautiously. The kid bolted away, screaming and flailing his arms in the air as he ran to his mommy.

"Oops," Jacob gulped.

"Do you think they'll arrest us for attempted porn in a shoe store?" Renesmee asked, tilting her head. Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose.

-Later-

Jacob sat on a wooden bench in the corner of the store as Renesmee tried shoes on in front of him. She had a pair of Sketchers in her hand, bending down to pull them on her feet.

"I love Sketchers, they make me feel sexy!" Renesmee joked, modelling the shoes for Jacob. He applauded her as she took an exaggerated bow.

"Oh, come on, Sketchers are so overrated!" Jacob remarked, standing up. He walked over to the shelf behind Renesmee and pulled a pair of red Converse off of it. "Converse are way better, Nessie." He shook his head as if she was an idiot. She put her hands on her hips.

"Hell no! Whoever came up with Converse is _stupid._"

Jacob paused, shock registering on his face. "Excuse me?" he bombshelled. He wagged a finger in front of her face.

"You heard me. We are buying _these_." Renesmee shoved the Sketchers at Jacob, who deadpanned.

"You would look better in Converse anyway, _Renesmee_."

They went on and on until Renesmee had enough. Not thinking, she picked up a glossy, high-heeled shoe and bombarded it at Jacob. It hit him square in the kisser. He keeled over, holding his face. When he looked up, blood was welling at a cut on his lower lip. Renesmee gasped, regretting throwing the heel at him.

"You wanna go?" Jacob gurgled, but there was a hint of a joke in his voice.

Renesmee grinned evilly. "COME AT ME, BRO!" she called out in a battle cry, spreading her arms wide in a challenging manner.

Jacob threw the Converse at her, but she was too quick. She dove out of the way just in time. Jacob cursed under his breath. _Damn those quick vampire girls! _

They continued to throw shoes at each other until it was like a one-on-one wrestling-with-shoes match. People started crowding around them, wooing them on and screaming and pumping their fists in the air. One guy quickly called security over as it started to get steamy.

Security stopped the whole thing and dragged Jacob and Renesmee out of the store, throwing them out onto the street like abandoned dogs. There was bruises all over their bodies, and Jacob still had blood pooling on the edge of his lip.

"Well, that was productive, wasn't it?" Jacob tried to make a little joke.

"What if my parents find out?" Renesmee asked, eyes widening with horror.

"Oh, crap..."

It was silence then on, until Jacob's stomach started to growl hungrily. He rubbed his empty stomach, then looked up at Renesmee.

"I'm starving. Shall we grab a bite to eat?"

Renesmee nodded, sighing and taking Jacob's hand in hers. They walked down the street until they found a small carnival going on in a large field. Renesmee ran to it, dragging Jacob with her, and exploded into the carnival.

"N-Nessie..." Jacob said, looking around. "What are we doing here? I thought we were going for lunch."

Before Renesmee could reply, a short, fat man in striped overalls lumbered over to them. He looked like he was in a rush. He grabbed Jacob's shoulder jerkily, who called out in surprise. "Excuse me," the man panted. "One of our contestants for the taco eating contest got sick, so we need a new one. Would you mind coming with me?"

"Wha...?"

The man was already dragging Jacob away before he could agree. Renesmee shrugged and decided to follow them.

-Later-

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 25th annual taco eating contest of the Forks National Carnival!"

Jacob sat at the table on center stage, a pile of at least fifty tacos (if not more) sitting in front of him. He gulped hugely. He heard Renesmee shouting, "Go, Jacob!" and "You can do it, Jacob!" and "If you throw up on those new clothes I bought you last week..."

It didn't really help.

"Contestants, are you ready?"

Jacob nodded but he wasn't. He looked beside him and saw three more humongous fat people sitting there, staring at the tacos like they were- well, tacos...?

"Three, two, one... EAT!"

The crowd roared as the contestants picked up the tacos and started chowing down on them like animals. Jacob picked up a taco, looked at it, unsure, then shoved it into his mouth. He chewed as fast as he could before shoving the rest into his mouth- which he pretty much had to dislocate his jaw for.

Minutes passed and Jacob felt bloated. One last taco sat in the middle of the plate, staring at him as if it had a face. Jacob felt like he would retch all over the place if he ate one more taco. He already had gas bubbles boiling in his stomach.

"Come on, douche bag!" someone yelled to Jacob in the crowd of people. "_Eat the damn thing, you son of a-" _

Jacob didn't let the person finish. He threw the taco and it hit the person square in the face. Jacob stood up and walked off the stage- only to be greeted by a shocked looking Renesmee and her two angry parents.

"So, can someone please explain what happened at the shoe store?" Edward demanded.

Then, Jacob ran as fast as his doggy legs could carry him.


End file.
